so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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