Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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