I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
