Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
