There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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