I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
