Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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