My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
