Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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