Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The air was thick with penises
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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