Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
