Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize