I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
