I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
