I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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