Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
