I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize