god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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