true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
