I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
