Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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