i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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