i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My ass is underappreciated
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
