Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
