he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
