you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
