Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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