she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
