My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
