You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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