If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
