found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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