Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize