Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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