We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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