So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
