I think I won the penis lottery.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize