I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
