I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
