sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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