I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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