Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
