Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize