I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
