I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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