Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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