I think im going to throw up on grandma
Operation Purity has been aborted
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
