Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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