she was so not down for the gang bang
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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