I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
