I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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