Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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