More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
