Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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