I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
